Finding God, Finding me

Unfiltered with Peps (Part 3)

There comes a time in your life when you look around and nothing makes sense. This is usually tagged “The breaking point,”. I was desperately searching for more meaning and clarity in my life. I wanted to know who I was outside of all the heartbreak, confusion, and chaos that was swallowing me.

After months of back and forth in a relationship that revealed more about my weaknesses than anything else, God, in His mercy, gave me the strength to start over. But this time, I was doing it with Him. I came across a quote once that said;

"When you come to the end of yourself, there lies the beginning of God."

And I’ve found that to be painfully and beautifully true.

It was a quiet afternoon on 22nd December 2021, my office had officially closed for the year, and I was home. I remember sitting alone, completely overwhelmed by my thoughts. My heart felt like it had been shattered into a thousand pieces, and I found myself crying at intervals. You know the kind of tears that catch you off guard when you’re just washing a plate or folding laundry? That was me. I was ashamed of myself and the choices I had made. I kept replaying that relationship in my head like a broken record.

“I wish I had never met him.”

“I saw the red flags. Why did I ignore them?”

“God showed me signs… why was I too carried away to pay attention?”

I began to recall the moments where God had tried to warn me, but I was too distracted to listen. It was a spiral of regret, guilt, and emotional exhaustion. But in the middle of it all, I found the courage to say a simple prayer. It was just a broken girl, sitting in a room, asking God for mercy and re-surrendering what was left of her heart to Him. Scripture says:

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." —Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

"Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends." —Revelation 3:20 (NLT)

And that’s exactly what He did. God found a way to reach me that day. His love wrapped around me, and though the days that followed were quiet and lonely, they were also deeply transformational. That Christmas, I was with family, which helped soften the heartache. You know how it is in an African home during the holidays: the laughter, cooking, baking, and chaos all mixed together. It was a good distraction for me, and I was comforted at this time.

January came, and it was time to return to work and “normal life.” I felt nervous and didn’t feel ready. I was still so unsure of myself, still healing, but what I didn’t know was that God was already walking with me, closely and very intentionally. That month marked the beginning of a new chapter.

I started speaking to God more. I didn’t have the perfect words, but I was honest. I began spending more time praying, and for the first time, I participated in a 21-day fast and prayer journey through my local church. That fast was different because I was being renewed by the words, prayers, and sermons I was consuming. Around the same time, I joined an annual spiritual conference themed “Gaining Momentum’ hosted by David’s Christian Centre, which was my local church at the time. I streamed the sessions online, because I travelled and I hadn’t returned to Lagos. At that conference, God spoke to me through every guest minister, and He gave me some scriptures, too. He started to speak to me, not just about my pain, but about my purpose. He began to show me visions about my future and also revealed some of my gifts. Scripture says;

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." — 1 Peter 4:10 NIV

I came to understand that as believers, God has given us unique gifts, and a good way to activate or develop those gifts is through service, most especially serving the body of Christ. I went ahead to join the workforce in my local church, and honestly, it was one of the best decisions I made on this journey. Around the same time, I also became part of a small community of believers who pray together every morning at 5:30 a.m. We’d occasionally gather in person; sometimes to hang out, watch a movie, hold night vigils, or simply share a meal and fellowship. Being in the company of people who loved God and were trying to grow in their faith did something deep for me. It reminded me that I wasn’t alone. Serving in church helped me discover gifts I didn’t even know I had, and I started to see that I had something to offer. It also helped me stay accountable and consistent with God. And slowly, it started breaking off my pride and insecurity. I began to see myself differently, not through my past, but through the eyes of God. Being in that kind of community made it easier to keep showing up, even on the days I felt like hiding. It was in these moments that I began to truly find God, and in doing that, I started finding me.

In that same season, God led me to some amazing teachers of the Word — people like Apostle Joshua Selman, Dr Myles Munroe (Of blessed memory), Pastor Olori Boye-Ajayi, Pastor Debola Deji-Kurunmi, Ezinne Zara, Pastor Dharius Daniels, and a few others. I first heard about Olori through a colleague who shared one of her YouTube videos with me. It was part of a series called “Reinventing Yourself (Part 2) - Twilight School” Link. That video stirred something in me. I went back to her page and started watching all the previous videos, and I made sure to keep up with the rest of the series. It was one of those moments where I knew God was speaking directly to me. The heart of her message was about letting go of old versions of yourself so God can introduce you to the person He originally created you to be. It felt like she was reading my life out loud and for the first time in a long time, I saw glimpses of the woman I was becoming.
Another major encounter I remember was through videos from Ezinne Zara. For context, Ezinne is a faith-based content creator and YouTuber who shares powerful, spirit-led messages on Instagram and YouTube. I had been watching her content for a while, but in that season, two videos stood out to me: “The Consecrated Life Is a Lonely One” and “When God Is Silent – Waiting and the Wilderness.” Those messages hit deep. They gave me a clearer picture of what it really looks like when God is working in you — the stretching, the silence, the loneliness, and the refining. Through her words, I began to understand that some seasons are meant to set you apart, not punish you. And that even when it feels like nothing is happening, God is doing a deep, quiet work within.

I also leaned into books. Some of the ones that shaped me were Battlefield of the Mind and The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer, The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren, and Understanding the Purpose and Power of a Woman by Dr. Myles Munroe. They weren’t just books, they were blueprints. They helped me heal, learn about myself and what interests me, define my values, find my identity, become more confident and self-aware, and realign to God’s original purpose for my life.

Most importantly, I began building real intimacy with God. Not the performance-driven kind. The kind that is raw, quiet, sometimes emotional, “God, are You still there?” kind. Books like Knowing God Intimately by Joyce Meyer and Good Morning Holy Spirit by Benny Hinn helped me understand the person of the Holy Spirit more deeply.

And it’s from this place of intimacy that I began to find myself.

I started looking in the mirror and smiling back at myself. I started showing up to life again, this time with courage and clarity. I began speaking to myself kindly, reminding myself that I am not the sum total of my mistakes. I am the daughter of a King (Ada Jesus).

Maybe you’ve been searching too. Searching for who you really are, beyond the job titles, the trauma, the expectations. Maybe you’ve been defined by your past or by people who never really saw you.

I want to invite you to consider what changed everything for me: letting God introduce me to me.

And he’s still doing it. Every single day.

Till next time,

With Love,

Perpetua